Relationship Check-Ins
Sentiments and Strategies from a Sex Therapist
By Leah Roginski, MSW, LSW, Purposeful Path Counseling Therapist
Have you ever felt a bit distant from your partner? Do you wonder if you’ll ever find a way to reconnect? Even the healthiest relationships can drift off-course without intentional prioritization of connection. As as sex and relationship therapist, I often work with couples who are deeply in love but struggling to maintain consistent levels of closeness and intimacy. Intimacy is defined as “a multifaceted concept, encompassing emotional, physical, and intellectual connection” (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists). We know from research that intimacy enhances relationships; you deserve nothing less. Although it can be intimidating to maintain a relationship check-in on top of your already overwhelming schedule, these conversation tools can be simple and catered to what works for you. Let’s dive in together to explore what a relationship check-in is, and why they can be such beneficial tools for relationships.
What is a relationship check-in?
A relationship check-in is any intentional conversation designed to share thoughts, needs, and/or concerns in a relationship.They are a proactive approach to strengthening intimacy, fostering healthy communication patterns, and maintaining involvement in each other’s worlds. Although this definition might seem intense, these conversations can take on any structure that leads to increased communication. Whether it is a simple one-word description of your day, or a lengthy breakdown of your recent week, dialogue is dialogue. Maintaining consistency and reflection within a relationship can vastly improve patterns of emotional, experiential, spiritual, and sexual intimacy.
What are some examples of check-in structures?
While freedom and flexibility in a relationship check-in can be wonderful, it can also be overwhelming to pinpoint exactly what works for your relationship. Below, four examples of check-in formats are offered. These strategies all contribute to enhanced emotional intimacy and continued knowing of each other’s worlds. If you are struggling to implement these and/or would like some help enhancing communication and intimacy within your relationship, feel free to reach out to our clinicians for additional support. And remember, meet yourself where you’re at when developing your personalized check-in format. You are not alone!
Daily Highs and Lows
Description: Each partner shares a high and low of their day. These can be trivial, goofy, significant, or sincere. The only requirement is that they are honest and foster vulnerability and connection.
Tip: It is encouraged to add a “buffalo” to your structured daily check-in; a silly and/or random thing that occurred to you throughout the day to foster additional intimacy and playfulness.
2. Weekly Household Meetings
Description: A scheduled time for partners to discuss logistical responsibilities and updates, such as housework breakdowns, childcare needs, events for the week, calendar updates, meal planning, etc. .These most often occur weekly and have a recurring list of items to discuss. It is encouraged to also add an intention, or word to focus on as a relationship, throughout the week for even more intimacy.
Tip: Shared online calendars, physical lists or calendars, and/or templated tools can be very helpful to supplement these dialogues.
Tip: It is highly encouraged to surround these with self-care. Attend the meetings at your favorite restaurant. Put on your favorite music and candle while chatting. Get creative with ways to make these pleasurable!
3. Category-based Check-In
Description: Partners discuss designated aspects of their relationship, such as sexual, emotional, parenting, financial, work/life balance, experiential, etc. The frequency of these check-ins can vary, but it is recommended that it is agreed upon in advance and consistent to hold all partners accountable.
Tip: If you aren’t sure what to ask in each area, try starting with “do you have any concerns in this area?” Additionally, incorporate questions such as “what have been highlights for you in this area?”
4. One-Word Daily Check-In
Description: Each individual chooses a single word (ideally an emotion) to describe their day. These words are then shared, either verbally or via text if time is a stressor in communication dynamics.Whether or not a response is expected should be previously agreed upon by all partners.
Tip: If you want to make the most of this format, try sharing a word in the morning to set an intention and a word at the end of the day describing the day itself. Bonus points!