Communication Hiccups

By Christin McIlwain, MEd, LPCC, Co-Owner of Purposeful Path Counseling

“We don't see the world as it is; we see the world as we are.” Anais Nin

This is one of my favorite quotes, and it accurately describes how we perceive the world through our own unique lens. This is also really important to remember as we deliver information to someone: that they are also receiving it through their own unique lens. So one way to be sure we are clearly communicating is when we notice someone becoming defensive, confused, or maybe answering differently than we would have anticipated, we can ask, “what did you hear me say?” 

This first happened at the Museum Center between my husband and me. He  looked over and asked, ”did you bring any snacks?” I immediately reacted defensively and said, “no, why do you think I would have snacks on me? Why didn’t you bring anything?”

And he looked confused and then asked, “what did you hear me say?” in a nonjudgmental and curious way. That  simple, clear question helped me stop and reflect on what I heard him say. I hadn’t heard his question. I had heard him say, “you're a mom, why don't you have snacks on you?”

That question and reflection helped me recognize the distorted lens I was hearing through.  He then explained: he had asked me if I had snacks so that he could double check before he went and bought something because he knew I would be frustrated if he spent money when I had brought food (which is accurate!). Now it is a phrase we use if we think one of us may have misinterpreted what we have said. See if this phrase may help you or someone you’re communicating with to stop and reflect on what may have been misinterpreted.